The other day we all went to Zeke’s wart removal appointment. It was at a dermatology clinic we had never been to. We had been talking with the Dr. For a few minutes, Lilly was sitting on my lap, and Zeke was on Jimmy’s. Out of the blue the Dr. said, “Wow! She looks so much like you, and he looks so much like him, but he looks a lot like you too, but where did he get his blue eyes? …Oh, from his daddy.” It totally made my day! (So many people say Zeke looks just like his daddy, I love it!) Sometimes I let them know they were adopted, but other times, like this time, I completely enjoyed taking the credit for their cuteness. I am very open about our adoptions, and I am not saying I want to keep it in the dark when I meet new people, but it’s fun to publicly feel like their biological mom, because I love them both no different that if I had been.
I think it’s hard for me when it seems like people don’t think of me as their real mom. I know a lot of it is public misunderstanding about what adoption really is, so I try not to let their comments hurt my feelings. When people ask me how Zeke’s or Lilly’s real moms are doing, I want to reply, “I’m doing fine, thank you.” I know it’s a lack of understanding about the correct terminology, but sometimes it makes me think, “Well what do you think I am, the fake mother? Because I don’t feel that way.”
We are forever grateful to our childrens’ wonderfully, amazing birth moms. Because of each of their sacrifices to put their unborn baby above the care of their bodies, emotions, even social acceptances, and more, they chose adoption. They chose us. Because of them, we are parents. Because of them, I am a mother. A real mother.
I can only imagine the misunderstanding that birth parents get when they share their experience with adoption. So much of it is lack of education about what adoption is. Zeke’s birth mom was over at my parents’ and our neighbor was over too. Our neighbor saw Sam’s cute baby, and asked if she had others, and Sam said, “Well, Zeke.” Our neighbor was really surprised, and began asking all the wrong questions like, “Do you want to take Zeke back?”, “Are you going to give away your other baby too?” Samantha answered all of her questions very well. It wasn’t that our neighbor was trying to be offensive, but that she sees adoption as it’s portrayed in the media. I think that’s where it’s most frustrating for me because adoption is so natural, and normal to me. It’s one way that families are created, and to hear hurtful comments (usually unintentional), from people who don’t have experience with adoption, is really hard for me.
Here are a few of the biggest misuses of words when talking about adoption-
“Real parent” when referring to a “birth parent”, or “biological parent”
A better wording for “Giving a baby up for adoption” would be “Placing a baby for adoption”.
“Your child is adopted” should be “your child was adopted”. Adoption is an event, not a label. Our children were adopted as newborns. They are not adopted, they were adopted. (I know this is getting technical, and even I have caught myself using the wrong word here at time, but just a little FYI.)
This is something I am passionate about. I hope I am not coming off the wrong way, I originally just wanted to share how happy I was to get the comment from the doctor about our darling kids looking like us. I don’t get on my soapbox very often, but hopefully the next time you meet a family that came together through the miracle of adoption, you might remember something form this post. I love adoption, it is close to my heart, and I have strong opinions, and feelings about it.